A Dark, Dark Road And A Tiny Light
by DanceInPurpleRain
Summary: Nobody ever expected for something to actually bring Shawn down. Well something did. The Mr Yang's case went horribly wrong and Shawn lost him mom. Now Shawn's friends are doing everything in their power to help Shawn get through this, but will he let them in? And will they get through to him before he'll tell everyone that their favorite psychic isn't so psychic after all?
1. A Very Long Day

**So this is my first Psych story, though I've had some experience with writing about other TV shows. This is the prologue so it's kind of short, but the other chapters are longer. The idea for this came to me while watching 'An Evening with Mr. Yang', because they said that the officers that took the Mr. Yang case before Shawn ended up with serious issues, so I thought - what if something like that happened to Shawn too? I will be posting this story both here and on PsychFic. The lyrics are from a song 'As you turn away' by Lady Antebellum and that is the song that I was listening to while I was writing this, because I find that listening to music that relates to the story helps me write.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

_Nothing more to say_  
_Nothing left to break_  
_I keep reaching out for you_  
_Hoping you might stay_

_Nothing more to give_  
_Nothing left to take_  
_I keep reaching out for you_  
_Reaching out for you_  
_As you turn away_

**Chapter 1: A Very Long Day**

It had been a very long day for Shawn Spencer. The usually so optimistic and energetic to the point where it almost seemed like the man just wasn't capable of taking anything seriously fake psychic was on the edge of having a break down and everyone could clearly see that. The Mr. Yang case started out like any other – a joke there and there, sarcastic remarks and bantering with Gus, Shawn wasn't frightened by the mysterious murderer, even his father's worry didn't set him off, because let's face it – Shawn Spencer was never someone to think ahead or back down. The visit from his mother had him worried, but he quickly brushed any concern from her away and insisted he could do it. What really got to him was Mr. Yang's victim – a waitress that served him and Gus some food. That was when Shawn realized this case was different from the others, but what was he supposed to do? Back down? Leave the poor waitress to die? So he decided to solve this case the only way he knew – through humor, and he was close, _so close_, even when the deranged criminal broke into his office – his personal space, even when Shawn realized that he was merrily being played, he didn't give up, he decided to play that twisted game by his own rules. However as the horrifying realization came to him that his mother has been taken and he sat down tightly clutching her purse in his hands, ignoring the worried glances form his friends, Shawn finally realized just how much in over his head he was. He felt defeated, he felt like it was his fault, like for the first time since he started Psych he would fail. He sat there trying to come up with something, _anything_, that he might have missed and came up with a big fat nothing. It had been a very long day. A very, _very_ long day. Even Gus's attempts to lighten up the mood couldn't help him anymore. But he didn't give up, he kept on going. He followed the clues and found his mom with that bomb. Now, sitting next to the crazy woman that is literally holding his mother's life in her hands, Shawn finds himself at a loss for words, for something that would save his mom, that would make everything okay again.

"I'm sorry Shawn, this just has to end this way." The woman says in her weird, almost sweat tone of voice that just screams '_crazy'_. Before Shawn has any time to react she presses a red button on the remote she's holding. Shawn's eyes go wide and he darts them to his mom, who's still sitting frozen in her car seat. The car goes up in flames and Shawn thinks he can actually see the force of the explosion throw his mom back into the car seat and the flames quickly cover her whole body from his view, but to him it feels like hours before he can't see her anymore. Shawn hears screaming, but he's not sure if it's his own, because in that moment his whole world stops, suddenly he doesn't care that he's still sitting in a car with a crazy lunatic, or if the SBPD ever somehow figure out he's not really a psychic, or if that store across the street from his home has any pineapples left. He doesn't acknowledge Lassiter and another officer opening the driver's door, pulling his mother's murderer out of the car and handcuffing her, he doesn't acknowledge his father crying by the wall, or Gus still standing there looking at the burning car with a shocked expression, or even Juliet calling his name, trying to get his attention. It's not that he doesn't see any of it, it's that he doesn't care enough to pay any attention to it. Yes, Shawn Spencer had a very long day, a day that started with a case that didn't seem any different from all of the others that he so easily solved in the past, and this day changed his life.

**I already finished writing this story, there are 5 chapters, so there won't be any long waiting for new chapters. Please review :)**


	2. Numb, Emotionless and Broken

**So here's chapter 2, like I said it would be this chapter is a lot longer than the first one was and the rest of the chapters will be about this length too. The lyrics are from a song 'Addicted' by Kelly Clarkson. I hope you like this.**

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

_It's like I can't breathe  
It's like I can't see anything  
Nothing but you  
I'm addicted to you  
It's like I can't think  
Without you interrupting me  
In my thoughts  
In my dreams  
You've taken over me  
It's like I'm not me  
It's like I'm not me_

It's like I'm lost  
It's like I'm giving up slowly  
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me  
Leave me alone  
And I know these voices in my head  
Are mine alone  
And I know I'll never change my ways  
If I don't give you up now

**Chapter 2: Numb, Emotionless and Broken**

**Shawn's POV:**

I don't remember getting out of the car, or sitting down on the small bench, but here I am. Suddenly I find myself thinking that I only imagined it all, my mom's not... she's probably talking to my dad right around the corner, because there is _no way_ my mom died because of me, because I put her in danger, because I couldn't solve the case, because I screwed up. But the smell of smoke brings me back to the cruel reality – it's real. It's over. I lost. A warm hand on my shoulder makes me flinch, but I don't pull away from it.

"Shawn" Comes Juliet's soft voice. How long has she been sitting here with me?

"Shawn, look at me." She says is the most gentle tone I've ever heard and just for a moment I want to look at her and crack some joke while reassuring her I'm fine, but that moment is gone, so I don't acknowledge her. My gaze is firmly locked on the row of cars and cops in front of me and yet I'm not really looking at any of them. Jules sighs beside me.

"I'm here for you, you know." She says. I start wondering if she's really still expecting for me to respond.

_The female detective sadly looks at her co-worker, friend and maybe even something more. She's never seen him like this before and she has no idea how he's going to get through this. Juliet looks at her over friend, Gus, who's standing a few feet away and looking at his best friend with a worried expression that matches her own. Their eyes lock and she sadly shakes her head, stands up and goes to find her partner, hoping that Gus will have better luck getting through to Shawn than she did. She finds Lassiter by his car._

"How is he?" He asks and she's a little surprised by his worried tone, not because she doesn't think he cares about Shawn, just because she's not used to him actually showing it.

"I mean he's going to need to give a statement and… Chief Vick will want to know how he's…" Carlton struggles with words, trying to cover up his concern.

"He's… in shock, obviously." Juliet says and this time Carlton is the one to notice the distress on his partner's face.

"I'm sure he'll be back to bothering us in no time." He says.

"Yeah." She agrees even though she doesn't believe it. His mother died right in front of him and with the way that she died… Juliet really doesn't think that things will be the way that they used to be, at least not for awhile.

**Gus's POV:  
**  
I take Juliet's place next to Shawn. It doesn't look like he even realizes I'm here. What can I possibly say that would make this any easier on him? If he was in my place he'd probably find some way to take my mind off things, he'd probably use food or some kind of a joke, but I'm not good at that kind of stuff. I guess getting him to talk would be a start.

"Shawn, if there's anything you need, anything at all, just say the word." I say in what I can only hope is a comforting voice. A few seconds pass and I decide that I'm probably not going to get an answer, so I try to think of something else to say.

"Can you just drive me home?" He asks quietly. Relief washes over me that at least he heard me and he's talking, but the way that he says it – without any emotion in his voice is so… unlike him, I can only hope that this won't completely break him.

"It's been a long day, maybe you should stay with me." I offer.

"Gus." He says and it's clear from his tone that it's not up for discussion, so as much as I hate to leave him alone right now, maybe some time alone and a good night's sleep will help him.

"Okay." I say standing up, it takes a few more seconds for him to do the same. We walk towards the blueberry. I stop when we pass Mr. Spencer's truck and I see him crying in the driver's seat, but Shawn keeps on walking so I decide that now is not a good time to point out that it's hard for his dad too. We sit in the blueberry and I start the engine. As I put my hands on the wheel I notice that they're shaking way too much for me to drive. Damn it, now's not the time to lose it, Shawn need me. So I close my eyes, take a deep breath and try to calm myself down. I open my eyes and see that luckily my hands stopped shaking so much, so I start driving, praying that Shawn didn't notice this little ordeal, but even if he did he's not showing it. I start driving towards Shawn's home.

"Shawn, I know that it hurts, but it wasn't your fault." I say, but don't get an answer, I didn't expect to anyway. I take a quick glance at him just as a light from the street hits his face showing his emotionless, unfocused eyes that look nothing like his usual bright, careless ones. How the hell did things get so messed up in one day? It's hard to believe that only twenty four hours ago we were getting food and I was wondering how Shawn could hit on every waitress he sees and now I'm sitting here trying to figure out how my best friend will get through this. I stop the car I the parking lot in front of his apartment.

"Maybe I should stay with you tonight? I think both of us could use some company." I suggest.

"...I just want to be alone right now." He says so quietly that I can barely even hear him. I sigh. At least he's talking.

"Okay, I'll come by tomorrow… just get some sleep." I say. He gives a small nod and gets out of the car. I wince when he slams the car door, _my company's_ car door, but I don't say anything. I watch Shawn walk inside the building and only then rest my head against the wheel. How did this even happen?

**Shawn's POV:  
**  
I close the door behind me and turn on the light. I take a look at myself in the mirror – I look tired, very, very tired.

_'I'm sorry Shawn, this just has to end this way.'_

This is crazy – my mom's not dead… No, she's not, she's probably back at her hotel room, sleeping like every normal person should at this time. Yeah, of course she's sleeping, I'll call her tomorrow, maybe she'll feel like going out for breakfast…

_'The woman presses the tiny red button'_

Or maybe I should call her right now, sure she'll think I'm crazy for calling her in the middle of the night, but I just want to hear her voice. I sit down on my couch, take out my phone and dial my mom's phone number.

_'My eyes go wide and I quickly look at my mom'_

I press 'call' and put my phone to my ear.

"The number you are trying to call isn't available." Comes the voice form the phone. Why is her phone turned off?

_'I'm sorry Shawn, this just has to end this way.'_

I call again.

"The number you are trying to call isn't available." Turn on your phone! I grip the phone tighter than necessary.

_'Dad, she's trapped.'_

I redial again.

"The number you are trying to call isn't available." My eyes are wet and I'm actually surprised that my phone's still not broken from my tight grip.

_'As the car bursts into flames my mom is thrown back into the car seat.'_

Again.

"The number you are trying to call isn't available." No, no, no, NO! I forcefully take my phone away from my ear and throw it at the wall in a flash. The phone makes a loud noise as it hits the wall and then another noise as it falls to the ground, a huge crack across the screen and the battery that's a couple feet away from the actual phone marks the abuse this phone just went through. During all of this I somehow manage to get from the couch to the ground.

_'The flames overtake her body and even though it happens in a flash it feels like hours before the flames are completely blocking my view.'_

"It wasn't supposed to end like this." I whimper. Salty tears are rolling down my cheeks. I lean on the couch while still sitting on the flour and just sit there, not really looking at anything, not moving a muscle. Suddenly it feels like any energy I had was sulked away from me, leaving me with nothing, I can't bring myself to move. I sit there for hours, or maybe minutes, I'm not really sure, I'm not really sure about anything anymore. What I do know is that sometime during the night I find it in myself to stand up, go to my bedroom, fall face down into my bed and just lay there, not really sleeping, but not really awake either.

_'I'm sorry Shawn, this just has to end this way.'_

***Dream***

_I'm standing in the police station looking at the note from the Yin Yang killer._

"Shawn." My dad says. What is he doing here?

"Excuse me." I say and catch up with him.

"Hey, did I miss the memo? I thought bring your dad to work day was next week." I joke.

"I forbid for you to be a part of this Shawn. You're coming with me." He says pulling me with him.

"Forbid me? I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want." I say.

"This guy knows about you, he knows about everybody you care about. Think about that. You don't catch this son of a bitch kid, you're never gonna sleep again." He says. My eyes fall on somebody behind him, a woman with dark hair sitting behind a computer, my breath catches in my throat. It's her. She was there all along.

The scene changes. Now I'm sitting in the car next to my mom.

"Mom." I whisper.

"You failed." She says.

"No, no I didn't, you're here." I say desperately looking her up and down, she's here, she's alive.

"Your father warned you, I warned you." She says.

"No, don't say that, mom, please don't say that." I beg. She's right here.

"You should have seen her, but you didnt. Why didn't you see her Shawn?" She asks.

"I… I don't… I don't know." I whisper looking down.

"Shawn." She says. I look at her and gasp in surprise then instead of my mother I see the very reason she's gone.

"I was there, but you didn't see me. I actually thought you were better than that, maybe you're not as good as you make it out to be?" She asks. I notice her finger lingering on the button on the remote.

"NO, DON'T!" I scream, but it's too late. The button is pressed. I lost her again.

***End Of The Dream***

I sit up in my bed with a gasp. As I try to get my rapid breathing under control I notice that the first rays of sunlight are just beginning to lit up my bedroom, so it must still be very early in the morning. When exactly did I even fall asleep? Yesterday's events come crashing back to me and I I'm not sure what's worse – sleeping and dreaming nightmares or being awake and painfully aware of everything I lost. Suddenly I feel irritated by the dim light in the room, all it does is remind me that the rest of the world keeps on going on even if some people get left behind, it's not fare, it's stupid and it makes me angry. So I get out of my bed, walk to the window and close the blinds with a little more force than necessary and once again the darkness falls over the room. Without even giving it a second thought I walk back to my bed and lay back down. I close my eyes.

_'The flames overtake her body and even though it happens in a flash it feels like hours before the flames are completely blocking my view.'_

I quickly open my eyes again. So I guess I'm not going to get any more sleep. I stare at the ceiling, my eyes trail over every spot, but all I can see is my mom's face. A tear rolls down my face. How can she be gone? How is it possible that I will never see her again, when she was just here? It doesn't make any sense… Maybe this is all just a dream… just a crazy nightmare… maybe there never even was a Yin Yang case and any second now I will wake up and get that feeling of relief that I always get after waking up form a nightmare, that feeling where you're just so glad it was all just a dream and then a few minutes after waking up I'll forget all about the crazy dream that I had and Gus and I will find ourselves yet another case to solve.

_'I'm sorry Shawn, this just has to end this way.'_

God, her voice keeps on ringing in my ears over and over again, shut up! Stop thinking! Stop _remembering!_ Please, just stop. More tears make it down my face. A melody that suddenly starts ringing makes me flinch and my breath catch in my throat. Surprisingly it takes me a few seconds to realize it's the doorbell. What could anyone be doing here so early? Or maybe it's not early anymore? I'm not really sure. I guess I should be worried about the fact that I don't even consider getting up and at least looking at my visitor, but I'm not, not even a bit. The melody stops and the knocking starts. I think I can hear somebody call my name, but it would be hard to really hear anything through the closed door even if I was paying attention, which I'm not. I think the voice might be Gus's, but I'm not sure. After a few minutes the knocking and talking stops, so I'm assuming that Gus or whoever was at the door left.

**Gus's POV:**

I walk back to my car. Shawn didn't answer the door, but his motorcycle is here so he has to be home, I hope he's okay. Maybe he needs some time alone, but what really scares me is him leaving again. He did before, right after graduation, so what are the chances that he won't want to run away from all of this now? I don't know what to do, how to act in this situation, Shawn was always the kind of a person who didn't let anything get to him and even when it did he would just cover any awkwardness or fear or anything like that with humor and sarcasm and… well bantering with me, I've never seen him like this so I honestly have no idea what to expect. I can only hope that he'll be back to his old self soon. I take out my phone and try calling him for the tenth time today.

"The number you are trying to call isn't available." Why is his phone turned off? This is so frustrating, I wish he would at least tell me he's okay. This must be so hard for him, I can't even imagine losing my mom, especially not like this. Last night I kept on thinking about Shawn's mom, how kind and understanding she always was, those weird looking but very tasty sandwiches that she used to make for me and Shawn. I barely slept last night, so how Shawn or Mr. Spencer must have been doing?

"Ring – ring – ring" My phone rings snapping me out of my thoughts. I look at the caller id hoping that it's Shawn. My heart sinks when I see that it's Juliet.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hey Gus, I just wanted to ask how Shawn was doing." She asks obviously concerned. I consider telling her he's fine, but then decide that she deserves an honest answer.

"Shawn's… not really himself right now." I say quietly.

"Are you with him?" She asks.

"No, I tried calling him, but his phone's turned off and he's not answering the door." I say.

"Maybe something's wrong." She says even more concerned now.

"I think that he just wants to be alone right now." I say even though I'm just as worried as Juliet is. She sighs.

"So what are you going to do?" She asks.

"I don't know. I guess for now I'll give him some space, but I'll come back later and hopefully he'll at least answer." I say.

"Tell me if he does, okay?" She asks.

"I will." I say.

"The chief asked me to tell you that you can come by for the money for the Yin Yang case." She says.

"Okay." I say.

"Bye." She says.

"Bye." I say and put my phone into my pocket. Obviously Shawn's not going to talk to me right now, so there's no use in sitting outside here, but what am I supposed to do? I don't have to work today, not like I could focus on it even if I did and I can't just sit around doing nothing, I don't really want to go to the police department for the money right now either. Suddenly Mr. Spencer crosses my mind again. I know how much he cared about her, he's probably taking this pretty hard too and maybe Shawn would talk to him? But the thought of going to Henry Spencer's house without Shawn terrifies me, especially now that the man is obviously upset. But despite my fears I start driving towards Shaw's dad's house.

I'm standing in front of the door, trying to get up the courage to ring the bell. Okay, come on Gus, you can do this, do it for Shawn. I ring the bell and wait for an answer. A few minutes later the door opens to reveal a very tired looking Henry Spencer.

"Gus? What are you doing here? Where's Shawn?" He asks surprised.

"Shawn's home. I actually wanted to see how you were doing." I say hesitantly. He looks at me suspiciously but steps back to let me walk inside. I do and he closes the door behind me.

"So are you… okay?" I ask.

"I'm fine." He says a little too quickly.

"I… Shawn's not answering his phone, I came by his place, but he didn't answer the door." I say. Anger flashes across the man's eyes.

"I told him this would happen, I told him people he cares about would get hurt and I told him that the psychic nonsense was a bad idea all together, but does he ever listen? No, of course he doesn't." He says angrily. Suddenly anger overtakes me too, how dare he blame Shawn for this?

"None of this is Shawn's fault. What was he supposed to do? Just leave that girl to die? And this 'psychic nonsense' has saved lives and solved lots of crimes that the police would've never solved on their own." I say all in one breathe. His eyes soften.

"I… I know. I'm sorry, I don't blame Shawn, I don't even know why I said that." He says. Pity takes the anger's I was just feeling place.

"You're upset. That's understandable." I say. A thought crosses my mind, does Shawn blame himself for this? He shouldn't, none of this was his fault, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was putting the blame on himself.

"Look, give Shawn a few days, he'll come around." Mr. Spencer says.

"And what if he doesn't? What if runs away again?" I ask.

"He likes this job, he won't throw it away like that." He says, but it doesn't look like he believes that himself. What I see in his eyes is fear, which is not something I've ever seen in them, but I get it, he and Shawn have been getting closer and closer, he's scared of losing him too… again.

"I hope you're right." I say.

"I am." He says.

"Well, I guess I should go." I say.

"Okay." He says. I start walking towards the door, but a thought crosses my mind and I stop.

"I… I don't know if I should ask this, but…" I trail off, wondering how exactly I should ask.

"Whatever it is just say it." He says annoyed.

"When will… you know… the… the funeral… be?" I whisper the last part. Pain flashes through Mr. Spencer's eyes and I immediately regret my question.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked, it only happened last night." I say quickly.

"It's okay, the date isn't set yet, but it should be in a few days. I'll tell you when I'll know for sure." He says.

"Okay, well I'm going to go." I say. I walk back to my car and try calling Shawn again, but his phone is still turned off, which worries me even more. He's never ignored me before and I mean never, even when he left after graduation he always told me where he was. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go home, so I head towards the Psych office, maybe being there will give me some ideas.

**I have this idea for an another Psych story, but every time I'm just about to start writing it I decide to do something else, hopefully reading reviews for this chapter will give the inspiration to start writing again. Anyway, a huge thanks to the people who reviewed the last chapter and I hope that more people will start reading and reviewing this :)**


	3. A Distraction

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Sorry that I took a little longer to update. The song is 'Sober' by Kelly Clarkson.**

_Three months and I'm still breathing  
Been a long road since those hands  
I left my tears in but I know  
Its never really over, no, wake up_

_Three months and I'm still standing here_  
_Three months and I'm getting better, yeah_  
_Three months and I still am_

_Three months and it's still harder now_  
_Three months I've been living here without you now_  
_Three months, yeah, three months, I hurt..._

_Three months and I'm still breathing_  
_Three months and I still remember it_  
_Three months and I wake up_

**Chapter 3: A Distraction  
**  
_One Day Later  
_  
**Shawn's POV:  
**  
I wake from yet another half an hour of sleep that I somehow managed to get with a gasp. The blinds are down, not letting any rays of sunlight inside. Except for the few times that I got up to use the bathroom or get a glass of water when I just couldn't handle the thirst anymore, I spent the whole day yesterday in bed, staring at the ceiling and desperately trying and failing to block the horrible memories out. I don't want to remember. I don't want to feel. I don't want to hurt. But it does hurt, it hurts so badly and I have no idea how to stops that pain. Stupid photographic memory. I need a distraction. Maybe watching TV would help? So I master up all of my energy, which right now isn't much and get out of bed. I slowly walk to my living room, sit down on the couch and turn on my TV. I didn't eat anything yesterday and yet I'm not hungry at all. I try to focus on the TV, which is showing a movie that I'm sure I've seen before, but I just can't focus enough to remember what movie it is.

_'I look at the woman that for some reason looks just so familiar. She's watching the movie and eating popcorn. She looks at me and her eyes light up, which makes me feel sick. She waves and shows me the remote that can end my mom's life.'  
_  
This isn't working! Why can't I forget? Just for a minute, just for a _moment_. There's a knock on the door and since this time I'm sitting a lot closer to the door I can hear everything clearly.

"Open the door Shawn." It's Gus and he sounds worried. This could be the distraction I've been looking for, but the very thought of talking to anyone, even to Gus, makes me want to crawl back into my bed and never get up again. I can't do this right now.

"I know you're in there… I can hear the movie you know." He says. I listen, but at the same time the memories keep on flashing through my head.

_'I'm prettier than you thought I would be, aren't I?'  
_  
I hate her. I hate that woman more than I've ever hated anyone in my entire life... but no, there's is someone I hate more, myself. I hate myself for ever thinking that this lie would not end in disaster, how could I be so stupid? So naive? I should have known. Now All I'm left with are the hunting memories of a horrible night.

"At least tell me that you're okay." He says desperately. But I'm not okay and I don't think that I ever will be again.

"If you open the door I'll buy you a pineapple smoothie… I'll buy you three, just open the door." He pleads. Does he really think that pineapples can make this go away? This isn't that simple.

"The… the funeral… will be in two days, at two P.M. in that church not far away from your dad's house… you should be there… you'll regret it later if you won't come." He says. Funeral. That word sounds wrong, almost foreign and it makes me feel sick. I actually completely forgot about it. But of course I'll be there, how could he think that I wouldn't?

"I'll be back later and if then you won't at least talk to me so that I could know you're okay I'll break that door and I'm not kidding Shawn, I will." He says and then there's the sound of footsteps as he walks away. I'll come, there's no question in that, but the thought of facing everyone and their looks of pity sounds like torture. Once again I try to focus on the movie, where now the girl is making one of those dramatic exits, but once again I find myself unable to keep my concentration.

_'You call me a killer, but I complete things.'  
_  
Her voice, even in a memory, makes me tense up. Suddenly I remember something else, something that surprisingly has nothing to do with that horrible night.

_'I take the carefully wrapped gift from my mom's hands._

"Mom, you didn't have to give me anything." I say.

"Well we barely see each other, so I wanted you to have something that could remind you of me even when I'm far away." She says. I unwrap the paper, open the box and take out the big, yellow candle with orange stripes across it. I look it over and smile.

"They say that when you're in the dark even the smallest light can show you the way." She says.

"Thanks mom." I say.

"You're welcome goose." She responds.'

With renewed energy I jump up from the couch and run to my closet where I can clearly remember putting that candle. I open the doors and carelessly throw the bags that are there on the ground. There it is, the candle my mom gave me a few years ago. I carefully pick it up and take a few minutes to just stand there look at it, then I go back to the living room, put the candle on top of the coffee table, walk to the kitchen and find a lighter in a drawer, and then walk back towards the table, sit down on the couch and press on the lighter, which in return starts the small flame. I light the candle and put the lighter on the table. The flame of the candle is small, almost innocent looking.

_'When you're in the dark even the smallest light can show you the way.'  
_  
Maybe I can't stop remembering, but I can stop thinking. Mom isn't dead, she doesn't have to be as long as I don't think that she is, and if she's not dead then it doesn't have to hurt. Maybe, just maybe if I can convince myself that she's back home, safe and sound like she should be, things will start making sense again. And I really need for things to make sense right now.

**Henry's POV:  
**  
I spent the whole day today planning the funeral and telling everyone when it will take place, I tried calling Shawn, but his phone was turned off, though Gus said that he told him and that he probably heard it, whatever that means. As I was planning the funeral people that knew what happened kept on looking at me like I'm some heartless monster, I guess they were used to people in these situations crying or at least looking upset, while I'm pretty sure I didn't show any emotions at all, it's not that I didn't care about her or that I didn't love her, because I did, it's just that after spending years on the force I learned to hide my emotions in difficult situations. The truth is that I am upset, very upset, I barely got any sleep since it happened. I'm also very worried about Shawn, after he left after I arrested him I didn't think he'd ever come back, I was so sure that I lost him forever but then, years later, he showed up on my door step. Him and I have been getting closer and closer, but honestly I'll be surprised if he won't leave right after the funeral. The fact that he's not even talking to Gus shows just how messed by this he is, he'll want to leave, he'll want to go somewhere where he could forget about all of this and never look back. What will I be left with then? Yet another void? He won't come back this time, at least not for a very, very long time. But what can I do? Maybe if I was one of those parents who tell their kids how much they love them every day and comfort them when they're hurt instead of lecturing them about being careless when they do, then maybe I would know what to do or say to make my only son stay, but I'm _not_ and I just don't _know_. If I saw him right now I'd probably only say the wrong things and make it worse. I'm a failure as a husband and a failure as a father, the only thing I was good at was being a cop and even that I managed to mess up by retiring early. I notice that it's late so I go to bed to hopefully get some much needed sleep, but once again find myself staring at the ceiling, unable to keep my eyes closed for more than a few minutes. I wander what Shawn is doing right now. Is he sleeping? The painful truth is that I have no idea how my own son is handling his mother's death. If by some miracle Shawn doesn't end up leaving I'm going to try to be a better father, I'll try to show him more emotions and to be a little more understanding. But now all I can do is wait.

_***The next night***_

**Shawn's POV:  
**  
I'm sitting on my couch, flipping through channels on my TV. The candle is burning in front of me. Sometime during last night I fell asleep and had more nightmares. Today, after waking up, I decided that I should try to eat something, so I had a few sandwiches and glasses of water, but I spent most of today trying to focus on the TV. There's a knock on the door, which by now I am very familiar with and easily ignore without giving it a second thought.

"Shawn, open this door, now" Gus says, trying and failing to sound threatening.

"Tomorrow is the funeral." He says a bit more softly. I am well aware that tomorrow's the funeral, even though I chose to ignore my mom's… The thing is, that I was going to go, I really was, but if I do that'll make it real, I don't know if I can handle that… What am I thinking, I'll go, of course I'll go, for her. It just will be one of the hardest things I've ever done.

"Just open the door, please." He begs. He sounds so… sad and defeated that a sudden wave of guilt washes over me, so even though it's the last thing I want to do I slowly stand up and walk towards the door. I'm so going to regret this later.

**Gus's POV:  
**  
I lean my head on the door that's separating me from my best friend. I''e been coming here every day hoping against hope that he'll at least answer me, I just don't know what else to do. Wondering if I just imagined it. The door opens only by an inch, only really opening so little that I can't even see inside and then there's the sound of footsteps walking away. Did he really just open the door? I really wasn't expecting that. I slowly push the door open and take a look inside. The first thing that I notice is the phone, laying on the floor by the wall with a cracked screen, then my eyes fall on the battery a few feet away from it. Well that explains why the phone's been turned off. I step inside, close the door behind me and only now, that the light form the hall is no longer lighting up the room I notice just how dark it is in here, the blinds are fully closed and the only two tings bringing some light to the room are the TV and a candle. My eyes finally fall on Shawn and my heart sinks. I knew he'd me a mess, but this... he's still wearing the same clothes from the day that... _it_ happened, which are now crumpled, he's pale... too pale, his eyes are red and have bags under them, his hair is messy and he's slumped down on the couch in a way that makes him look like life has been completely drained out of him. He's staring at the TV, but his eyes don't look focused, they look dazed, like in his head he's in some other world. I take a deep breath, walk up to the couch and sit down next to him.

"I'm fine." He says flatly before I can think of anything to say.

"…You don't look fine." I say after a moment's hesitation. He chooses to ignore this comment.

"Shawn I… I know that that is hard for you, but don't push me away like that." I say gently. His eyes fall on the candle. The fact that he's not showing any emotions terrifies me. I remember his photographic memory. Does he keep on reliving it? Probably. Is he ever going to be able to forget even the tiniest detail of that horrible night? No. I just… well I don't think that I would be able to handle remembering something like that the way that I know Shawn is remembering it, which worries me even more.

"I like the candle." The casual words slip out before I can even think them over.

"She… she gave it to me." He whispers, which surprises me, because I was expecting to be ignored again. His mom gave him that candle? I guess that explains why he would suddenly light it. Suddenly, for the first time since I came here, he looks at me and the lost, defeated look in his eyes makes my heart sink.  
"I'm fine Gus, I'll go to the funeral tomorrow and I really am okay I'm just tired, so if you don't mind I'd like to go get some sleep." He says. I think he really tried to sound okay, but he failed miserably at that which only shows just how distressed he is, because Shawn is amazing at acting or lying or whatever you want to call it. The truth is that he sounds horrible and unlike himself, but I decide that if I don't leave soon next time he probably won't open the door again and I don't want that, but before I leave I want to try to get through to him again.

"Okay, I'll go… how about I'll come by tomorrow at noon to pick you up?" I offer hopefully.

"Actually, I think I'd prefer to ride my bike." He says. But Shawn always wants me to drive him to places, _always_! And honestly, the thought of him riding his bike right now scares me, not because of his distressed state, though I'm worried about that too, but because if I know anything about Shawn's bike, it's that it gives him a sense of freedom, of life, he's said so himself and if he gets that feeling right now, I don't think he'll ever want to let it go again. I can't lose him. I can't. But I don't think there's any reasoning with him right now.

"Okay. I'll see you at the funeral then. But before I go, I just want to say that you can't push the people that care about you away, we're all worried about you and we want to help." I say.

"I just want to be alone right now." He says in his emotionless tone of voice.

"But that's the thing Shawn, you're not alone, you have me and your dad and Juliet and even Lassiter is worried, even if he won't admit it and the Chief. You have to let us help you." I say.  
"Help me? What can you or anyone possibly do that would help me?" He asks and even though his voice is calm, this time it holds fragments of anger.

"Well I-"

"Can you bring my mom back?" He cuts me off.

"I…" I trail off.

it so that I would stop reliving seeing her blow up, every second of the day?"

"No, but-"

"Can you make it stop hurting just so _damn_ much?" He asks, cutting me off again. This time I don't even try to say anything.

"Yeah, I didn't think so." He says.

"I can be there for you." I say. His eyes fall back on the candle.

"... I don't think that's enough." He whispers just loud enough for me to hear.

"Shawn…" I start to say, but once again find myself at a loss for words.

"I'm tired Gus." He says not taking his eyes off the candle.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow." I say quietly. He doesn't answer. I don't expect him too. I stand up, walk out of the apartment, walk back to my car, sit in it and rethink the conversation. Juliet should still be up, I should call her and tell her that I talked to Shawn. She's been calling and asking me about how he was doing a lot. I dial her phone number and wait for her to pick up.

"Hey Gus." She answers and I think I can hear hope in her voice.

"Hey. I just talked to Shawn." I get right to the point. There's no point in making small talk when where both thinking the same thing.

"Really? That's great. How is he?" She asks.

"He's... a mess. I guess that's understandable, but I've never seen him like this before." I say.

"Just give him some time. And at least he let you inside his apartment, that's progress, right?" She asks.

"Yeah, you're right." I say sighing.

"Okay, well I have to work, I'll see you tomorrow." She says.

"Bye." I say.

"Bye Gus." She says. I put my phone down. Juliet is right, I just need to stay positive.

**Shawn's POV:  
**  
I don't go to sleep like I told Gus that I would. Instead I stare at the candle. My mom. Is. Not .Dead... She's not. She can't be. I look away from the candle and sight, if I'm going to go to that funeral then I should probably clean up, just because I feel miserable doesn't mean that I should look like it too. So I force myself to stand up and go to the bathroom. I take a good look in the mirror and can't recognize the man staring back.

_'People need that, you know, a satisfying ending'  
_  
I shake my head to try to clear it. I take my crumpled clothes off and carelessly throw them to the ground. I step into the shower, turn the handle and warm water hits my shoulders. A realization hits me – there's not enough water in the world to wash all of my pain away, so I go for the next best thing, I turn the handle to the left and hot water replaces the warm one. I rest my head against the wall and let the water burn, I want for it to. I spend a good hour in the shower, but even when I finally come out, put clothes and a bath robe on, I still don't feel any cleaner. I lay down in my bed hoping that maybe tonight I would finally be able to get some actual sleep. I don't.

_***The Next Day***_

After waking up from another nightmare filled night, I decide that I need to eat something, otherwise I will probably look even worse, so I find a pineapple I remember buying before my life turned into a huge mess, cut it into slices and start eating it. To my surprise even my favorite fruit doesn't taste so good anymore, but I eat it anyway. I get dressed, brush my hair and take a look at myself in the mirror. Today I look better, which I am very glad about, because I don't need people obsessing over me even more than they already are. Well, if I don't want to be late I should get going. I walk to the door and stop in front of it. This will be the first time that I even came outside since... I look back at the closed curtains, it's so dark in here, my eyes won't be used to the light. So with that thought I find my sunglasses in the drawer and walk back to the door. I take a deep breath, unlock the door and open it. I walk down the hall, then down the stairs, open the doors and step outside. Just like I thought I would be, I'm blinded by the light, so I put the sunglasses on. I take in a deep breath of the fresh air. It feels good.

_'I watch her press the button'  
_  
Well there goes any positive emotions I was just feeling. My eyes fall on my bike. I walk towards it, put my helmet on, sit down on the familiar seat and turn the engine on. The sound is so familiar that it almost makes me smile. Almost. I start driving. Slowly at first, but the road isn't busy and suddenly I realize just how much I don't care about the speed limit. I start driving faster, feeling the cold wind hitting my face. All of the horrible memories slip back to the back of my mind and I feel more focused on the world around me then I have since it happened. A sense of freedom overtakes me, I could keep on driving forever. A thought crosses my mind – Why don't I? What's stopping me? I could leave like I did before, it would be just me and my bike, I could keep on driving, and driving, and driving, and maybe then it wouldn't hurt anymore. This thought is selfish, wrong and reckless... and yet just thinking about that possibility gives me a sense of relief. I could drive and drive and never stop. But I do stop. I stop at my destination and look at the church. I look at the road, last chance, I could keep on driving. But instead I get off my bike and feel the memories come creeping back. I take my helmet off and walk towards the church. I walk inside and feel relieved that nobody noticed me, seeing the pity in their eyes is not on my list of things to do for today and yet I know that it's unavoidable. I take my sunglasses off and take a quick look around, I see various family members, my dad sitting at the front with Gus beside him, the only ones missing are Jules and Lassie. They should come, my mom was Lassie's therapist and I know he liked her and Jules will probably want to see 'how I'm doing'. People are still talking and waiting for the service to start. I walk to the front and sit down next to Gus without saying a word.

"Shawn, hey." He says sounding a bit surprised and… relieved? Did he really think I wouldn't come? Sure I've been avoiding people, but come on. I give him a small smile in return, which I'm sure looks as fake as it feels and look at the front where the casket is. Out of the corner of my eyes I see dad looking at me, but like always I'm completely clueless to what he's feeling. I turn my full attention to the casket. A thought that makes me feel sick crosses my mind – they probably didn't find a lot of pieces of her body. I quickly push that thought away. I notice that the ceremony is about to start and look around the church again just as Lassie and Jules enter. I turn back around before they can notice I'm looking at them. I ignore the worried looks Gus is giving me and my thoughts drift back to my mom again.

_"Dad, she's trapped."_

"Oh, God, no." '

No, I can't think about that… I… She's not dead. She's alive and there's no reason to hurt. The ceremony starts, but I don't listen, because she. Is. Not. Dead!

_***After The Ceremony***_

I'm standing at her grave. I expected for Jules to try to talk to me, but she didn't, I think that might have had something to do with the conversation I saw her have with Gus. So now the only ones left are me and Gus, who's standing next to me.

"How about we go grab some food? You must be hungry." He offers.

"I'm good." Is my only answer.

"Shawn…" He says sighing.

"I just want to be alone right now." I say before he can continue. He hesitates, but nods and walks away, which I am very grateful for. I stand there, looking at the grave, but not really seeing it.

"Hard to believe she's really gone, isn't it?" Comes my dad's voice as he walks up to me. I thought he left...

"Yeah." I say.

"Just… don't blame yourself for this. This is what the Yang killer did, he, or I guess I should say she, always hurt the officers that were going after her by hurting their family, you didn't do anything wrong." He says. He's not lecturing me? That's a first one. But if anything, his speech only makes me feel worse.

"Don't. You and I both know what you're really thinking." I say.

"That is what I'm really thinking." He says.

"Yeah, right." I say sarcastically.

"Well what do you think I'm thinking?" He asks.

"You're thinking that you warned me, you told me this would happen and I didn't listen, you warned me from the very beginning that the fake psychic thing was a horrible idea and that it wouldn't end well and you know what? You were right. You were right and I was wrong and I should have listened to you." I say all in one breath.

"That's not what I was thinking at all." He says instantly.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me that thought never crossed your mind." I say looking at him.

"Shawn…" He trails off.

"Yeah, I didn't think so." I say and walk away from him. I quickly walk back to my bike and drive away. This time driving doesn't take the pain away, it doesn't give me the feeling of freedom. As soon as I reach my home I hop off my bike and walk inside my apartment. It's dark in here, but that doesn't bring me any comfort either.

_'People need that, you know, a satisfying ending'  
_  
No, no, no, no, no.

_'Dad, she's trapped.'  
_  
I can't deny it anymore, I can't keep on telling myself she's coming back... she's not.

_'She presses the button.'  
_  
Why won't the memories _just stop_?

_'You call me a killer, but I complete things.'  
_  
"STOP! STOP IT!" I try to scream louder than my thoughts. I cover my ears with my hands, desperately trying o block it out.

_'I'm sorry Shawn, this just has to end this way.'  
_  
"SHUT UP!" I scream again. I stumble forward and almost trip over the table.

"I was wrong, I never should have have started this lie, I never should have even came back, if I hadn't she'd be here right now, but please, please just shut up!" I yell and knock over the coffee table using all of my strength. I fall to my knees next to it.

"Why can't I just forget?" I ask quietly. I need to forget, I need to make the memories stop, otherwise... otherwise I'm going to go insane. Screw my fake psychic detective agency, screw the police, I just need for it to stop. A thought crosses my mind, or maybe it's more like a memory. I remember how during the few times in my life I got drunk, really drunk I could hardly remember a thing. It's stupid and dangerous, but it's also the only thing I can think of right now and I need something. So I stand up, take my wallet and go outside. I go to the small grocery store across the street and stop in front of the alcohol section. Maybe I should buy some food first. So I put a few items of food into my bag and then add bottles of beer, I don't even count them. As soon as I get home I put the food into the refrigerator and take out one bottle of beer. I open it and start drinking without even giving it a second thought. I drink and drink, then after I finish the first bottle I notice a feeling of relief come creeping in, like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders, so I turn on some loud music and open the second bottle. A good distraction. That's all there really is to it. Just a very good distraction.

**So here it is, I hope you liked it. A few people have asked me to just upload all of the chapters, so I'm going to answer them here - that's just not how I do it, I don't really know what else to say, but really I prefer to upload the chapters one by one. Another thing that I wanted to say is thank you, so seriously, thanks everyone who review this story, it means a lot. Also I wanted to ask the people who are reading this story but not reviewing to at least leave a small review, even if it's just to say hello or that you like the story, because I just want to know that people like it and if I don't get reviews then I start wandering if there's something wrong with my story and I loose inspiration to write. So yeah, the next chapter will be up soon :)**


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